The Bikram Diaries

Searching for bliss through 105° of heat

day 21: a rough patch April 19, 2009

Filed under: my bikram diary — Celine @ 10:54 pm

I had a rough weekend for no real reason other than the strange things going on in my own mind. I’ve been feeling a little … unsettled. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend’s been away … maybe it’s because my 28th birthday is drawing near … maybe because I’m starting to feel really, really at home in New York and it scares me because I hate finality.

Or maybe it’s because of the ridiculous obsession I’ve developed with the movie Twilight. I got the normal side effect (falling in love with Edward Cullen). But it also got me thinking about my own mortality. In Bella’s words, “I’m dying, already. Every second I get closer, older.” I know I’m far from ancient, but it’s getting to be that point in my life when I’m feeling my youth slipping away … and for some reason I couldn’t get it out of my head this weekend.

I swear to god it was stuck in my mind as I did Bikram yesterday. As I watched myself perform the postures, I was thinking about how strong and limber I was when I was younger. I was just completely down on myself, and it really messed up my practice. I was so impatient with myself and gave up on so many poses. My focus was totally shot.

You know what’s strange though? I think I had the best final savasanah that night since I began my practice. I guess I was so exhausted by then that I couldn’t find the energy to think and overthink all these things that ultimately are just in my head. I just completely let go and floated away for that moment.

But then I woke up and started overthinking again. I hope I can fight this craziness off because there’s really nopoint to it. Aging is inevitable. The time I take out to obsess about it is ultimately time taken away from living this life.


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